Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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