Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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