I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
