Just cropdusted the office
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
