Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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