my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize