she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
