all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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