his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
