i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
