sarcasm needs its own font
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My vagina is officially offended.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
