do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
