hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
