Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize