you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
