Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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