I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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