The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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