Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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