guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You smell like stripper and shame
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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