I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
