omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Randomize
