the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize