Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Holy sore nipples Batman
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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