im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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