Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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