in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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