Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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