garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize