Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
