I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
