on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
