Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
