She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
