When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
