I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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