I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
