My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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