I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
