Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
