my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
