i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
