As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
