Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
