i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
