The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
