Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
