The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
