suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
