I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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