I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
