guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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