this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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