i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
