why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
