There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
