When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
