her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
