I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
