I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
